| This is the end... |
[Apr. 22nd, 2003|10:06 am] |
Gothcrumpet is no more.
There is a new place to look if you want to know.
If you haven't found it, email me.
-R |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2003|06:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angsty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Madonna Interview on VH1 | ] |
Okay, so here goes.
Any one who wants to help out with my web page should either lend me a hammer with which to hit myself in the head, or, find me a copy of photoshop for OSX.
*sigh* I want to get this thing finished.
And yes, I've postponed a real entry for this. Sad, eh? |
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| Dividing Canaan; piece by piece... |
[Apr. 17th, 2003|12:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | very, very melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Datura -- Tori Amos | ] |
Another day later, another day wiser, and I'm falling asleep inside my own head. With dripping wet hair and a sigh, wondering how much to tell you all.
My monologue, monograph, falling leaf treatise is being writtin in the notebook I lost under the bed.
I wanted to say something meaningful, but tonight truth feels ugly. Gangly. Like the freckled step child.
So instead I'm meandering through it all in darkness.
I love you all, even those I don't. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2003|02:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
"The woman is an erotic terrorist." Found on some random page of Jay Wiseman's SM101 which the lovely ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) random_vamp and I acquired today on one of our random trips about the city.
This is going to work with me tomorrow, even if I don't take it out in front of my boss. Just knowing it's in my backpack will make me feel extra "deviant" all day.
Speaking of all day...I'd been looking forward to talking with diabhol tonight, but I think he's fallen back into post camping-trip slumber. I'm pouting. Seriously? I need to get home at some point tomorrow to drop off cash, pick up his message, and maybe give him a call. Not sure yet.
*sigh* Anyway, I should get to bed. |
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| I feel fine enough, I guess... |
[Apr. 3rd, 2003|06:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pinch Me -- BNL | ] |
The short version: I have to find a new place to live in the next 27 or so days. I also need a new job really, because the theatre isn't cutting it. Anyone who has a line on how to get into bartending without shelling out the $$ for bartender school and/or would like to pay for said school ( ;) ) give me a holler!
( Considering everything's a mess... ) |
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| It is also lonely among men... |
[Mar. 31st, 2003|02:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Song of the Maiden -- Vas | ] |
This journal has watched me go through so much, just sat here silently and waited for me to pour out into its "pages" or not. Has watched me as I've grown, and as I've resisted growth, hiding instead behind a facade of knowing who I already am.
I don't. I'm barely stretching my wings into the world, and I can, sometimes, admit that.
The box that is my life is made of leaded glass windowpanes. More and more often my mind is distracted by thoughts of muscles stretched taut, of gleaming silver edges, wistful kisses.
Language is falling apart when I try to craft it into meaningful communications. I am truly becoming a nihilist.
Why is everything going wrong? I am looking out on the dream of what was, I am looking at the hope of what could be, and I am cursing every time I let things fall to pieces.
***
I am restless.
***
There is a stretch of alkali desert that has already started whispering promises to me. Promises through the stories of others, that it knows how to cure me, that it can provide relief. There are the words of hundreds who I have known, directly and indirectly.
There are those I was suprised to know of, and those who it came as no shock about.
I will spend a week in the desert, I will let the searing hot sun kiss my skin. I will be caressed by those who have promised me such things.
Perhaps I will hear the beating heart of the world. Just turn me loose from the cages of steel and concrete, from the mire of men.
Perhaps I will learn to breathe. |
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| Switch... |
[Mar. 30th, 2003|07:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  flirty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Something from the club last night in my head | ] |
A weird synchronicity steals over my thoughts of the weekend... Wicked City on Friday where I got to play with rope, and a pretty girl's legs...Dancing on Saturday with a Dj who had a wonderful talent for moving us from Trance to Tribal and back again. (I have to know who he was!)
There was no khopri, however between his dad and the fact that he was in town to see his lady I'm not suprised. A bit saddened, but not because of him...I'd just been looking forward to it, and now I will have to wait. Oh, such a tragic life.
N, however, is lovely. And cheerful. And wore a ton of while, including a boa I got to wear briefly while chatting with T. (I really need aliases for them...) She also let me tie her ankle to her thigh in demonstration for a "newbie". That was quite exciting.
But, no one worked on me. So I'm still craving a good number of things, possibly to be outlined later. Le sigh, right? Shouldn't complain...I just was hoping...
The bar down the street, I believe it's called The Top Dollar, has Raspberry, Pear, and Apple cider, as well as root bear on tap. Mmmm.
Anyway kids, time for me to make dinner. I'll be back later tonight with a sex based entry for those of you who care. ;) |
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| One more for today... |
[Mar. 24th, 2003|03:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sorrow -- Bad Religion (mental) | ] |
A song I rather like, and find fairly topical.
( Sorrow... ) |
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| Thoughts on the nature of tyranny... |
[Mar. 24th, 2003|02:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  working | ] |
| [ | music |
| | TV | ] |
All men recognize the right of revolution: that is, the right to refuse allegiance to, or to resist, the government when its tyranny or its inefficiency are great and unendurable. -- Henry David Thoreau
It is lawful and hath been held so through all ages for any one who have the power to call to account a tyrant or wicked king, and after due conviction to depose and put him to death. -- John Milton
When the government violates the people's rights, insurrection is, for the people and for each portion of the people, the most sacred of rights and the most indispensable of duties. -- Marquis De Lafayette |
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| Never was and never will be... |
[Mar. 14th, 2003|07:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | wistful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Immortal -- Evanescene | ] |
It's raining on my city. I'm breathing deeply of the rain, and crying a little, and I can't really tell you why. Except that it's beautiful.
She's got these beautiful words and I wish sometimes that I could have words like that. Not with envy, just with the admiration of someone who knows how to craft things.
I'm going to LA this weekend. Wish me well.
***
These beautiful things that I wish I had said, and places I've wanted to be. If we could grow up to be the ones we love then...would I try to be her, instead of me?
I'm drinking the sweetest of kir royales, thinking about things, and starting to wonder if the memories I feel are pressing in for a real reason or not.
The thickness of the air there, the taste of sun...these things are things I think about, things I haven't really been able to describe.
And to those who say I blow things out of proportion, I must say that I would always have a rose-tinted view.
I miss being... |
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| Faded like a photo left too long on the dash... |
[Mar. 10th, 2003|06:48 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Juarez -- Better Than Ezra | ] |
Decadence.
I'm longing for a room full of people. Music that twists it's way through your body, that leaves your muscles tight and your heart full. I want to be dressed in clothes that cover and expose, my skin slick with the sheen of sweat that comes from exertion, and elevated body temperature.
Indulgence.
I'm thinking of melting into hands and sheets and soft words. Sensations that I can't even name, feelings I thought I'd never see again, wish fulfilment and things I've always wanted. Waking up the next morning feeling amazing. Best kisses. Dream states and trance states and actualization.
When? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2003|04:26 am] |
I envy The Judge, he has words for things I've been trying to say.
I want to find a party like that too...
Fuck I need to find a new mode of being. |
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| BDSM, Gor, and why I think some people are morons... |
[Mar. 9th, 2003|02:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | random_vamp on the phone | ] |
No. The first two and the last are not related.
First, people are morons: San Francisco (and surrounding area) is full of people who don't know how to drive. I think from now on, everyone should be required to do ten hours of behind the wheel training when buying a new car. And take SUV's away from everyone. Please. Those who *actually* need them can pick them up at the edge of the road, 25 miles away from civilization. Thanks. ;)
Now BDSM and Gor... (Note, ( I'm going to get ranty... ) |
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| Fractals, lemmings, and music... |
[Mar. 6th, 2003|03:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | some stupid f@$#ing TV show | ] |
First...
 | This is my little bit of the Mandelbrot set.
I got it from the mandelbit generator.
You can get one there too. |
Next... I want to make fractal music...anyone have any ideas? The theory is that since fractals just use math formulas to define themselves, how they're colored, and stuff...couldn't I use those formulae to make music instead? Anyone have any ideas? |
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| "I'll give you a hint...we used an awfully heavy feather..." |
[Mar. 4th, 2003|02:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | mischievous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | various TV shows | ] |
So much on my mind right now. I'm fucking ill, which is probably at the forefront. So I'm chillin' on the couch with the Lion's laptop, listening to MTV. I love the cold medication/dayquil high (okay, I don't love it at all...) and I'm trying to organize the rest of my thoughts.
So. My one of my many neurotic tendencies is the fact that when I get interested in someone's online life, or when I have time, or whatever, I go back to the beginning of their journal, and try to read through the whole thing in chronological order, just to get an idea of the flow. This project has now been undertaken for The Judge, since he's good friends with the Devil Man. And because I'm interested. And because, well, I have nothing else to read.
Looking forward to June, and going down to LA for the Atonement thing... Chance to hang out with Devil Man in an atmosphere where I can just kinda be the girl I am without having to worry about judgment, etc. After going to the Connecticut Yankee the other night for the local munch...well, I'm looking forward to a place where the "scene" isn't full of people who I feel so paranoid around. Okay, the SF'ers aren't all (or even a majority) people I'm uncomfy with...it's just that there's a prominent few, and I got stuck at a table that I'm really not sure how I felt about sitting there.
The Lion and I went to the Yankee for the munch on Thursday (oh god, do I loathe that word as a title for a gathering). Friday night we went to "Spank", which was actually pretty cool. Somewhat like being at Kink, only a hell of a lot noisier. I got all wistful for a dom who would play with me in public...and a full toybag, but I suppose both of these will come in time. I have to say it's nice to have the chance to go out and relax in an environment where I can feel comfy in a corset and on a leash. (This is the life...)
But still, I find my mind turning away from the big city...anticipating little things...trips, wanderings, preparations. My first year at Burning Man. I'm looking forward to being "on the playa" after all the things I've heard and read and seen. Figuring out how I am going to balance my time between Lion and Devil is quite a chore, mind you, but one I enjoy. Weird...I love them both, and for all I grouse about the work, I wouldn't trade my relationships in for anything. I actually enjoy the work of trying to keep everything as balanced as I can...if only because it's a refreshing change from not being loved.
Back to June...I have to say... Devil Man promised me something, and my anticipation is all knotted up in my stomach. In a good way. Little butterflies tied up. Hmmm, that could be a really cute picture. (Visions of girls in butterfly costumes in rope harnesses.) Many many things, places my mind is going. Places my mind is going in March. Waiting is such a delicious game...too bad that both of my boys seem to have it down to a science, and I can barely take it. It's just unfair. (Not that I'd ever change it.)
At least I have a few of my own tricks up my sleeve. Plans for PVC clothing (gotta remember to find out what needle the sewing machine needs for that), short skirts, thigh highs, stripper heels. Packing suitcases for my various adeventures mentally already. Looking forward to hitting the Mission St. Thrift Store again, and seeing if they have any more saris, since I've found about one a week there. (Most of them aren't pretty enough for my tastes, so so far the only one I bought is the black and white one that you all might be seeing pictures of soon.) By the time leaving for the playa comes around, I may need to find a portable wardrobe just to somehow fit all the clothes.
And to think that normally I'm the light packer.
Last night I went dancing at Death Guild (yes, even I laugh at the name, but it's actually pretty okay). I requested a Tori song and then managed to be outside smoking when it played. I cursed about that. But I did get (as usual) to dance to Lovegrove, which has to still be my favorite Dead Can Dance song ever. Think the dancing may have helped a little to fight off the illness...and last night I felt the edges of the trance state. I would have dropped all the way in, but the concept of doing that, while ill, in a club, just didn't seem like a good idea. But I really, really, really think I could use that chance soon. Maybe while I'm in LA over the 16th weekend, if nothing else.
Oh, and today's title is a gift for The Judge (if he ever looks over here), from myself, stolen from Neil Gaiman. |
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